WAR JOURNAL ENTRY
FEBRUARY 16TH, 2005
It's come to my attention that there is a class of people out there that write fiction about me. An interesting question was asked about how those of us portrayed in said fiction feel about it.
After some research last night, doesn't seem to be much fic of me around. I'm grateful. However, what is around is exceptionally bad. Some points I suggest aspiring writers remember about me:
1. I will not be swayed by your beauty. If you are on my list, looking like Cate Blanchett (who reminds me of Maria), Elektra, or Monica Belluci will not help you. I am not swayed by luscious lips, glowing eyes, or beautiful legs. I am going to end you, beautiful or not, if I have decided to.
2. I do not want to fuck Spider-man. it's been made abundantly obvious I find him irritating.
3. I like women. I don't have room for them in my life until very recently, but that is my sexual orientation. There is no subtext to me regarding this.
4. I will never, ever utter the words "so what does it feel like to kiss someone with a lip ring?" to Dave, as portrayed by a recent fanfic writer, who will now suffer a foreshortened lifespan.
5. Although I slept with a lot of women after Maria, that was never due to love. It was necessity, to further my goals. I slept with them for information, or to get close to someone I later destroyed. Rosalie Carbone is a good example.
6. I repeat, I like women.
7. Although I do not possess advanced graduate degrees, I am an educated, articulate, and perceptive man. You cannot do advanced intelligence work in a military career and lack perceptiveness, erudition, or a broad range of knowledge.
8. I do not speak in slang. I went to Catholic school. I can conjugate verbs correctly. Although I live for the most part in Brooklyn now, I do not sound like I am from Flatbush. I speak more than one language fluently; in fact, I speak a few languages outside of English.
9. I am not given to long expository speeches before I act, like my peers. If I bother to stop and say I'm going to kill you, that's either for a specific purpose, to gain a strategic advantage, or because I am going to kill you.
10. I am not arrogant. I know when I am outclassed. If I run from you, it's beecause I recognize that, not due to "not wanting to deal with my feelings."
11. Nothing scares me. That's not arrogance, that's fact. I can be startled, surprised, and taken aback, but nothing scares me. The fear part of me is dead.
12. I rarely, rarely suffer from indecision.
13. I do not kill everyone I go after. Prison has a purpose for me, and I send people there regularly.
14. I do not date, until very, very recently, and that's confined to one person. It should be abundantly obvious now that I believe in monogamy and respect the institution of marriage. I do not try to tempt women to my bed by telling them I have a big dick (even if true).
15. I have spent the majority of my life dedicated to work, not romance. That is the way it has been, and that is the way it will always be.
16. I do not secretly lust after Matt Murdock. I do not want to be beaten by Matt's billy clubs as part of a heavy BDSM scene. In fact, I do not like BDSM. I am not a top, I am not a bottom. Physical pain is a fact of my life; it holds no sensual attraction for me whatsover.
17. I am not right wing. I am NOT a patriot. I am someone who combines misanthropic tendencies with idealism, believe it or not. I see the most corrupt of human beings, the most craven, and the most evil. I also see good people. If I didn't believe that some were innocents, I wouldn't do what I do.
18. I have not slaughtered innocents.
19. I work alone. I will not team up with you unless forced to, to achieve a goal I want to achieve. Please note that my occasional teamings with Logan, Spidey, etc., were due to expediency, NOT COMRADERIE. Out of any of the people that I've teamed up with, I'm most like Logan, and I trust him the most. We have come to an understanding of late. THAT DOES NOT MEAN I LIKE HIM.
20. I am not a psychopath. People who attempt to portray me in fiction as such are lazy writers. It's a cop out for not delving in depth into characterization. I am not a sadist; pain is a means to an end. Writing that I enjoy dispensing pain implies that I enjoy my work. Enjoyment plays no part in what I do.
21. I do not drive a flashy car, unlike many of my peers. Driving a hopped up Hemi 'cuda with a skull on the hood is not wise in my line of work. I am not flashy.
22. I know what I have lost. I remember what it is to love.
23. Yes, I miss my wife and children. I think about them every single day. I think about them when I'm alone, all the time. That doesn't mean I'm going to ask you for help to resolve my feelings. My feelings will never be "resolved." People who have lost their children to violence rarely, if ever, "resolve" their feelings, nor do they "reconcile" to what happened.
24. I do talk about what happened to me, occasionally, to people I have sustained contact with. This is not therapy.
25. I do not have friends, since Micro. This doesn't mean that I don't hold some people in regard. I trust no one, except for Elektra. I do trust Nick Fury with regards to certain things, despite shooting him.
26. I do not regret turning down the job offer from God and his angels. I almost became a priest, before Maria. I believe in God. This does not mean I am reconciled to him or her in any way.
27. I live a strictly aescetic lifestyle. I give a large amount of the money I take from people I kill to other people.
28. I will never stop what I am doing. This does not mean that I don't wish the world was a place where I could.
29. I feel intensely. When I am alone, the thought of my wife has brought me to my knees on more than one occasion.
30. Don't try to talk to me while I am working. I will not put down my guns in the middle of a firefight to debate semantics with you. My idea of semantics is to punctuate my points with bullets.
In summation: how do I feel when I see myself portrayed in ANY fanfic? I'll tell you how I feel. I feel like taking the perps to an impromptu machining class.
The floor is open for discussion.